a stronger faster fiercer you

im going to see g love!!!

remember to be brave
and to ask for help even if you think you'll get a no
follow your own advice if i was someone else i would have plenty of it
but im so confused about everything i think i cant see the trees thru the forest or whatever that saying is.....i bought a keyboard and im currently teaching myself to play
ive been wanting to do this forever
no more hurt fingers on the geetar for me
i am thought

my last update was 26 weeks ago... i dont even remember it.
ive been going thru a hard time lately everythings the same really single still rasiing kids still struggling to survive still im sick of just surviving though its like im just waiting around for the kids to grow up so i can finally start this thing called life... im so behind i dont feel cool anymore im out of touch with myself and i dont even want to find me anymore im sick of me i dont see how anyone can put up with me.....but i do want to snap out of this im so lonely i havent had an intimate relationship for years and im starting to really feel the pain of that loneliness that ive been just sweeping of to the side. the 2 times ive actually said this out loud both of the people say you cant be lonely you have kids well i am just the same... i get what they mean im not alone but they arent on my level they cant give me what i really need and i hate feeling like i need that..a man in my life to complete me? no fuck that i dont want to be that person who meets someone and is instantly changed into someone who has to check in with my man to see what he's doing or to see if i can do this or that.. i dont want to be completed by a man i want to complete myself first with work or art or music or whatever i can get into that is healthy and good... all i want to do at the end of the day after kids are sleeping is get stoned on couch and watch tv i remeber a time when i couldnt bear the thought of wasting my time watching tv i had more interesting things to do but no now this is me... someone who is feels so desperate that shes acquired feelings for a married man ew ew ew ew ew ew ew i of course dont want that kind of drama in my life so i didnt and dont plan on acting on it but still the thoughts were there everyday swimming around what should i wear today to make my ass look great so he'll notice me desperation recks havoc on loneliness.........im not spelling half these words right......fuck it no one will even reads this so what the fuck do i care. i dont want to be this person ive turned out to be i dont want to feel like im burden i dont want to hate my life i want to have fun again i just dont remember how to

i am engulfed in sadness
losing my will to breathe
on top of this i have guilt about it
there isnt anyone who gets it
i feel like a burden to everyone

yeah just a quick note to say ello
miss you
love you
everything is floating along ..very good
:)

dude im having a little trouble logging into tftwd..
i hope nobody else is having this trouble :/
i cant get into msn either so im hoping its just where i am
ummm .....can one of the mods email me at tftwd@yahoo.com
i would just like an update.. i dont know when i will get back with you but i will eventually

so anyway i am looking into buying my own place.. i found a place not to far from where i am.. decent price
its not much but its just right for us ;)

so think good thoughts for me

love you
b

word i'm here i havent eaten in like a week. so busy and when im not running around all i want to do is lay down on my bed. this a.m. i woke up at 3am and watched the pam anderson roast heh it was pretty funny.
but besides the none eating part i feel great the job is going well.. but im extremly anti social with everyne. during lunch i sit out in the truck and read and listen to amy goodman.
feeling frustrated b.c there are no sitters ..basically and so there for there is no living happening.. and i know that im fucking up by not taking advantage of this life happeneing around me... we arent promised tomorrow but its like on the other hand who do i turn to? who will give some of their time for me? the people in my life ... i feel like im very giving toward them.. maybe not enough. eh i dont know theres a reason why im here and all i want to know is why. but its not only the whole lack of living here.. its the kid pressure.. with joe there a whole other elephant to conquer everyday.. but k has her issues too
i need someone in my life who can deal with and without
someone who is patient and kind generous and doesnt put up a front.. no huge egos please.

so it's around 1:00 am saturday my post-birthday weekend celebration ended up lame but my actual birthday was pretty good.. birthdays are so cool.. you walk around with a different feeling
a bounce with your step happy connected ... intended.
i feel very different these days i'm changing . every thing's changing.
i did a spell check for "everything's" and i got frothiness's. frothiness. i love that word.



heh for some reason publix names their cakes.. hhahaha my cake is "ebony and ivory". it is so good too. best cake ever. i keep going back and taking a bite here and there..the icing is whipped instead of the heavy butter cream so it's like sugary air.

and so it is...most of the time.

i'm ready for something amazing to happen.

jobfront: its been about 3 weeks now.. betty my partner has been getting of my nerves..
but i decided that i have to treat her like she's my teacher.. i feel like there's a reason people like her keep repeating in my life and im not fighting it anymore.. im embracing.
and when i intended this thought ... and acted upon.. we actually had fun today.. maybe it was b.c it was friday, but when i laughed it wasnt a fake one.. and it surprised me.
im not going to go into why she's pissed me off it doenst matter...really.
im just trying to ride the wave without falling off man.
the best thing about this job is the ideas that come to me and the time i have to draw. it seems the phones ring all at once.. and they sleep all at once as well.

so i can only really hope that they like me.. and that i don't fuck up too bad.. but today at work.. i looked for 2 charts that were there the whole time and someone else had to find them for me.. both times the same person. not good.
but i think they like me.. and i feel like i fit in. that place picked me.. i didnt pick it so im going with it. jason is awesome im so glad he is married b.c i dont want to be involved with people from the office.. and i know that boy is yummy.. he'd be in trouble. i'd make a man out of him. *raises eyebrow* who can resist a yummy boy/girl with a guitar?
i do look hot in my scrubs.. i fitted the top around me so there isnt extra fabric. i rock with a needle and thread.

homefront: thursday..i started to lose it slightly from living there.. and the kids
especially joe not being in school.. the summer sets us back slightly. with behavorial issues, the teachers really make it easier on me. it is so hard for me to leave them everyday all for the sake of a paycheck. i know that they will be stronger for it.. they have to learn to live without me..and vice versa.. but damn the guilt is enough for my heartbeat to burn a hole in my shirt. and the living situation..no privacy thing.. is so painful for me. what i drastic change. from my recluse of a life before. which is probably something i needed to do BUT i still love my privacy.. being able to walk around in practically no clothes after a bath. its so hot here sometimes the pants come right off when i walk in the door.

im getting a tattoo... soon. of a peace sign ..somewhere, i havent figured that part out yet.
and maybe of this around it ..or just this.. or actually it looks kinda like a clef in the middle there maybe just mold it slightly..or something. its a big decision. the placment has to be somewhere i can hide but i want to be able to see it.. i dont know..

( im back in full effect...for like 2 minutes. )

anyone have myspace?

http://www.myspace.com/76817229
add me bitches and i'll add you

 

( i am a golden god! )

( ... )

( i am in brain jail )

last night was a time warp ...slightly. back to the days of you in my life. im glad im back and im so happy i stopped by. even more happy that we were alone. i dont really know what it all means.. or if it even means anything. im better today b.c of just being with you.
isnt it amazing how much we, as one person, affect...

ok on my agenda is a bunch of crap things that i have to do
switch kids school
find work and other meaningless nonsense
but the most important is to improve my energy frequencies
and change my thought patterns
b.c im changing my life..and you have to improve within before you can even think about the without
*ohm*
also mediation is being added on as a daily.
i feel better. so its start.

i dont even want to write about for fear it will give it a longer life.
no it wont. something really great is coming just around the corner and im going to move out very soon.
anyone who reads this..think happy thoughts of me and my kids sitting in my NEW backyard playing, running, jumping, laughing. i need as much positive-ness as i can get.
you are not what they think. you are not what they say. you are not.
you know who you are. you know. they dont define you by their words and thoughts of ignorance.
something good is going to happen soon.
something good is going to happen soon.
something good is going to happen soon.

im wearing my MASH shirt.
this chair is uncomfortable.
my leg is falling asleep.
people smell .. different.
everytime they walk by me i get a scent from their house or car.
im reading Einsteins theory of relativity.
im addicted to quantum physics.
cant get enough.
there are unbelievable parallels with physics and eastern mysticism.
i love hummus on wheat pita bread.
im still looking for something i lost.
it'll show it self when it wants to i suppose.
i cant wait to paint a mural on my kids walls.
k is getting a cloud fairy land, a huge tree with intricate leaves.
unicorns. fairies. and ivy.
j will have a dinosaur land. i want to do a dr suess theme.
but i know he'd like dino world better.
yep and my yard is going to be fabulous.
we are going to pitch the tent and cook marshmallows over a fire monthly.
im going to have a hammock..and im going to have flowers. everywhere.
and palm trees planted at a angle over the lake.

im feeling so brave lately.. and im wondering why i "was" so damn scared to upset anyone ever.
i just dont want it to pass. i was offered an environmental job.. right at the interview
has never happened to me before.. and i knew this job would make me feel so fulfilled.. i would be able to sleep so much better knowing that i was making a difference. but i couldnt take it bc of the kids.
thus came the mourning period. tons of tears. again. mourning over the burden. i dont expect anyone to help me. but i can not help but feel it would all be better if i did have a little bit of help.
it was good tho.. to be around those people to be immediatly accepted. it changed me..so if it wasnt meant to be..which i dont how much i believe that statment anymore. it did help. i still catch myself saying damn! outloud.. and then i have to quickly realize and cover. so this is me. now. braver but sad about the loss of what i couldve been with this organization. i need a job. but all jobs now seem useless. unfulfilling. but im looking into volunteering so i can feel useful.

i keep having these chances and i dont take them i look away
quickly when i should look directly at it or her or him.
i dont mean to and im starting to realize my value..and realizing that its all connected..at least im realizing it right? maybe one day i'll take the chance...soon i promise